A Spoonful of Truth

Ok, it's time to get honest with myself here. A year and a half ago, five coaches, including myself, created the "creative coaches alliance" where we meet monthly by phone to discuss hot coaching topics. We met for only the second time in-person on Friday, and only three of us were present. We chit-chatted for a little while, and then my colleague posed the question, "what's next for our group?" That is when my other colleague shared that it was time for her to bow out. Perhaps it was a natural ending for the group anyways. After all, some of us don't show up when we say we will, or cancel last minute, or seem to have too much going on and don't make our gatherings important. She had been scheduling her work around these meetings.
I agreed, and yet I also felt disappointment. My disappointment was with myself. For nearly two years, I have had this group of creative, bright, talented, and interesting women at my ear, if you will. And, yet, I have failed to "show up". I don't mean in the physical sense, though I did miss a few meetings after Amelia's birth. I mean to fully show up and consciously choose and design how to use this resource. I drove home from our meeting with one question on my mind "how else am I not showing up fully?"
Take this blog. I created it one afternoon during Amelia's nap. I put my intention out there that other women will respond, share, connect here, and its been sparse to say the least. Why is that? I'm not sure that I even sent this link to anyone.
Continuing on, my college roommates and I used to joke that we could never throw a party. We would plan for 50 and end up with 15. I remember worrying that my wedding reception room only held 80, and yet we ended up only needing 50 seats. Ok, so it was in Ireland. But still...
What is at the root of this divide between what could be and what is? Commitment. If commitment feels like one of those 'hard, must-do, feels like an obligation' kind-of words, I challenge you to see it otherwise. Commitment is about being in integrity with ourselves. I am speaking about the kind of commitment that stops me from eating the half pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food Lite because I choose to feel great in my body (and not heavy from all of that corn syrup additive junk, even though it tastes good going down), and to save my money for more fulfilling indulgences (like a few days in Germany with my best girlfriends). The kind of commitment that, when it comes to my coaching group, means that I take the time to ask myself, "how can this group serve me? How can I serve this group?", rather than "can they hear me silently chomping on carrots while I chase Amelia around as I balance the phone in the crook of my neck?"
When there is a lack of commitment, I feel caught in the divide. There are often two opposing feelings (i.e. I want to create this blog and I am not sure how much I want to be seen), which creates an inertia. When I connect to the higher purpose, I am much more able to make the commitment and to begin to take steps towards truly manifesting my vision.
Now, in honor of my commitment to create "down time" in my evenings, I sign off! Cheers!

And Then There's Burnt Fish...

Hours after my last entry, I decided to apply my newly acquired learning on baby nutrition to Amelia's dinner experience. Now, to begin with, she missed her late afternoon nap. That's mama-speak for having cried and played instead of slept. By 4pm, she was antsy and over-tired, and I decided to take her to her favorite park for a little entertainment and distraction. By 5pm, she was down-right grumpy. Still, I was on my mission and pulled out the chicken, brown rice and fresh green beans from the fridge. I toasted, ground and boiled the brown rice; trimmed, boiled and pureed the chicken; and trimmed, steamed and pureed the green beans; all while picking up her dropped toys and biscuit every few minutes and entertaining her with smiles and song. Whew! She was in tears, exhausted, by the time that dinner was ready, though she seemed to love every bite! After bath and nursing, I happily passed her along to my husband, and came down to clean up, prepare our dinner, and relax. I was feeling so proud of my accomplishment (the first "complex" home-made dinner for Amelia, since introducing meat), that I even called my mom to boast about my feat. I then suddenly remembered the salmon and veggies that I had completely forgotten on the stove and in the oven! All of this attention on Amelia's dinner, and I forget to tend to my own dinner. Still, I enjoyed a nice glass of chardonney as I ate my over-cooked dinner, and remembered the two most important components of being a good mama: sleep (this needs its own category) and taking time for myself. Otherwise, forget mission, forget purpose, forget dinner, and forget which keys go with which object (yes, I've stood in front of my house door pressing the unlook car door key)... We are, after all, still human.

Finding Purpose in Mothering

There are days when I feel like its groundhog day ~ all over again. Feed, change diaper, play, coo, put to sleep, clean up, repeat. Even taking Amelia for a walk on those days feels more like a task than a pleasure. These days are often accompanied by daydreams of a bustling office, coffee and brainstorming with like-minded people, and collaboration over exciting projects; All of that would be so much more interesting to share with my husband over dinner than Amelia's bowel movements and play date stories. Sigh.
These are days when I am disconnected from my purpose as a mama. Being on purpose to me means having a mission; A mission that holds the umbrella over all of the other seemingly minute tasks and personally challenging moments. My mission: to consciously and joyfully raising a confident and spirited daughter. The conscious part means paying attention to even the small things, and actively choosing rather than being in default mode (i.e. my mom did it this way, why?) The joyful part is just as it seems. Being joyful when I am with my daughter. Allowing myself the experience of joy, rather than engaging my inner critic who says that I ought to be doing something more meaningful.
Today, I spent the morning in Porter Square Books (the best little local book store in the area!) browsing through books on baby sign language, nutrition and even spanish (ok, I got a bit carried away), as Amelia climbed on shelves and my legs. I thought to myself, "Wow. This is the most important, most challenging, and most exciting job I have ever had! How lucky am I?!" And then I stopped. Where did that thought come from? Yes, I love being Amelia's mama. Let me say that again. I LOVE being Amelia's mama. I just haven't LOVED the repetitious and house-bound, or neighbor-hood-bound, aspect of it all lately. Being a mama tries my patience and I often find myself zoned out in no wo-man's land while Amelia climbs and clatters(is that a word, or did I make that up?). And then I wake-up and realize that its Friday again, and what did I accomplish?
The truth is that I love what I am doing in my life and with my life. And I am not even speaking about the coaching part, which is truly a priviledge. I am speaking about raising a daughter. I am talking about how much I have grown as my husband and I have embraced choices that stretched us as parents, as individuals, and as a couple. This is the biggest challenge of my life - to raise a confident and spirited daughter. It matters. All of it matters.
So, to all of you mama's out there reading this, pop open a bottle of wine and celebrate our courageous and rewarding work!

She's Come Undone

When was the last time that you completely gave yourself over to your wildest whim? Oh, am I craving that kind of experience. Complete, utter joy. The kind of joy that I experienced today as I watched a little girl run through park sprinklers weating a beautiful, even fancy, white dress. She looked dressed for church, or a party, and yet here she was wildly and joyfully running through these sprinklers. I sat there in awe as her father allowed her this unplanned, inconvenient (there was no towel or change of clothing in site), and completely 'in the moment' experience.
I considered joining in with Amelia, but I, too, had on white clothing. My modest, guarded side got the best of me.
So, I owe myself an adventure of "coming undone". I know just the person with whom to give it go. Kate, if you are reading this, I can not wait for your visit!

The Natural, Organic Way

Travelling the au natural path as a mama is a job in and of itself. There are so many products out there that claim to be "healthy" and "safe", and yet you can still find articles and books warning you against it. I've gone to several stores in search of the safest bath toys, alone, for my daughter. She so enjoys the bath, and loved her rubber ducky. Now that she is able to grab and pick things up, everything goes into her mouth. I would cringe when she chewed on her increasingly grubby rubber ducky. Since then, I have gone through a few iterations of bath toys, continuing to find ones that make me feel more comfortable. Its very important to me that she has fun, and is able to explore her world, and that I make the best choices possible to support her exploration. To me, that means reducing the toxins and chemicals and God-knows-what-else that are hidden within the not-so-goodies we consume and use.
This Saturday, we are starting her on "real food". I am very excited for this ongoing adventure of feeding my little girl, though aware that it will be a commitment and more work. We are going to start her on avocados. Why? I love them, I've read that they are a good food starter, and, mostly, they seem like more fun than a basic rice cereal.

I am still researching all that goes into making, storing and "serving" (if that's what you call this messy adventure) healthy baby food. Let the games begin!

The Fools in Us

This weekend, I connected with some friends of mine at a 1st (adorable) birthday party. A few of us were talking about how the road of motherhood is paved with questions and not knowing (are we making the best choices for our children? What are the impacts??). I was reminded of this quote:
"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against the utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool." Theodore Rubin
We call those tyrants "gremlins" in coaching - our inner voices that express self-doubt, insecurity, comparisons, judgements. How can we expect to know it all when we often don't know what we don't know? When we find ourselves in new territory with no reliable map? When we never can know how the chapter will end until we live it?
Ah, we must have patience with ourselves and know that we are, always, human. When we know that what we're doing is not working, then we must readjust. In the meantime, the more forgiving we are of ourselves, the sooner we will learn, the more loving and available we are to our children, and the more we will enjoy the journey...

Daily Rituals

Here's a confession: Before my daughter's birth, I never made my bed. It seemed unnecessary to me. Why spend my time making a bed that will just be slept in again that night? And who will see it anyways?? Basically, what's the point?? My house is organized and generally clean, and I have very little clutter. An unmade bed was not a big deal.

After Amelia was born, my home became more than my haven. It was where I was spending nearly all of my time. My tolerance for mess and disorganization became even less than beforehand (and my husband would say it was low to begin with!) I focused on the downstairs first. I asked my husband to straighten out the pillows on the couch, and fold the blanket, before going to bed. With a newborn, the couch is where I spent a lot of my time. I explained to my husband that I felt 'weighted' if I came downstairs in the a.m. to pillows and blankets strewn about, remotes hidden in the pillows, etc. It felt as if yesterday's mess carried into today. As a new mom who often felt secluded in the middle of winter, it really affected me. I needed some refreshment, so that each day did not feel like "groundhog day".

One morning, soon after, I decided to make my bed. I spent a few minutes hemming and hawing over the use of this precious nap-time, but felt compelled to make it.

That day, I noticed how good it felt each time I passed by my bedroom and saw my bed. I pulled down the covers that evening and gratefully climbed into my snug covers. It felt special to me. Like a treat.

The next day, I made my bed again before taking my morning shower. I did it again the next day. It has since become a daily ritual. I do it because it feels good. It is a way of taking care of myself, like brushing my teeth. And, in response to the question of "who sees it anyways??" ~ ME! That's the point.

I would naturally make my bed if I were staying at anyone else's house. It is a sign of respect and consideration. Now, it is something that I do to honor myself and the beginning of a new day and a fresh start. It is a small act that has a significant impact on my day.

I am in the process of creating other "daily rituals" that refresh and fuel me for the day ahead. As these behaviors become rituals and habits, they contribute to an overall sense of self-respect and trust.

What daily rituals would positively affect your life?? What commitments or behaviors would contribute to greater balance and fulfillment??