Wednesday, July 30, 2008

And Then There's Burnt Fish...

Hours after my last entry, I decided to apply my newly acquired learning on baby nutrition to Amelia's dinner experience. Now, to begin with, she missed her late afternoon nap. That's mama-speak for having cried and played instead of slept. By 4pm, she was antsy and over-tired, and I decided to take her to her favorite park for a little entertainment and distraction. By 5pm, she was down-right grumpy. Still, I was on my mission and pulled out the chicken, brown rice and fresh green beans from the fridge. I toasted, ground and boiled the brown rice; trimmed, boiled and pureed the chicken; and trimmed, steamed and pureed the green beans; all while picking up her dropped toys and biscuit every few minutes and entertaining her with smiles and song. Whew! She was in tears, exhausted, by the time that dinner was ready, though she seemed to love every bite! After bath and nursing, I happily passed her along to my husband, and came down to clean up, prepare our dinner, and relax. I was feeling so proud of my accomplishment (the first "complex" home-made dinner for Amelia, since introducing meat), that I even called my mom to boast about my feat. I then suddenly remembered the salmon and veggies that I had completely forgotten on the stove and in the oven! All of this attention on Amelia's dinner, and I forget to tend to my own dinner. Still, I enjoyed a nice glass of chardonney as I ate my over-cooked dinner, and remembered the two most important components of being a good mama: sleep (this needs its own category) and taking time for myself. Otherwise, forget mission, forget purpose, forget dinner, and forget which keys go with which object (yes, I've stood in front of my house door pressing the unlook car door key)... We are, after all, still human.

Finding Purpose in Mothering

There are days when I feel like its groundhog day ~ all over again. Feed, change diaper, play, coo, put to sleep, clean up, repeat. Even taking Amelia for a walk on those days feels more like a task than a pleasure. These days are often accompanied by daydreams of a bustling office, coffee and brainstorming with like-minded people, and collaboration over exciting projects; All of that would be so much more interesting to share with my husband over dinner than Amelia's bowel movements and play date stories. Sigh.
These are days when I am disconnected from my purpose as a mama. Being on purpose to me means having a mission; A mission that holds the umbrella over all of the other seemingly minute tasks and personally challenging moments. My mission: to consciously and joyfully raising a confident and spirited daughter. The conscious part means paying attention to even the small things, and actively choosing rather than being in default mode (i.e. my mom did it this way, why?) The joyful part is just as it seems. Being joyful when I am with my daughter. Allowing myself the experience of joy, rather than engaging my inner critic who says that I ought to be doing something more meaningful.
Today, I spent the morning in Porter Square Books (the best little local book store in the area!) browsing through books on baby sign language, nutrition and even spanish (ok, I got a bit carried away), as Amelia climbed on shelves and my legs. I thought to myself, "Wow. This is the most important, most challenging, and most exciting job I have ever had! How lucky am I?!" And then I stopped. Where did that thought come from? Yes, I love being Amelia's mama. Let me say that again. I LOVE being Amelia's mama. I just haven't LOVED the repetitious and house-bound, or neighbor-hood-bound, aspect of it all lately. Being a mama tries my patience and I often find myself zoned out in no wo-man's land while Amelia climbs and clatters(is that a word, or did I make that up?). And then I wake-up and realize that its Friday again, and what did I accomplish?
The truth is that I love what I am doing in my life and with my life. And I am not even speaking about the coaching part, which is truly a priviledge. I am speaking about raising a daughter. I am talking about how much I have grown as my husband and I have embraced choices that stretched us as parents, as individuals, and as a couple. This is the biggest challenge of my life - to raise a confident and spirited daughter. It matters. All of it matters.
So, to all of you mama's out there reading this, pop open a bottle of wine and celebrate our courageous and rewarding work!

Monday, July 7, 2008

She's Come Undone

When was the last time that you completely gave yourself over to your wildest whim? Oh, am I craving that kind of experience. Complete, utter joy. The kind of joy that I experienced today as I watched a little girl run through park sprinklers weating a beautiful, even fancy, white dress. She looked dressed for church, or a party, and yet here she was wildly and joyfully running through these sprinklers. I sat there in awe as her father allowed her this unplanned, inconvenient (there was no towel or change of clothing in site), and completely 'in the moment' experience.
I considered joining in with Amelia, but I, too, had on white clothing. My modest, guarded side got the best of me.
So, I owe myself an adventure of "coming undone". I know just the person with whom to give it go. Kate, if you are reading this, I can not wait for your visit!