Birthday.

Today is my birthday, and I am another year well into my 30's. It may be cliche, but where does the time go?

I remember my 23rd birthday; I had recently moved into a tiny apartment in DC, on my own, and Joe had entered my life. (I kissed Joe, in fact, for the first time that evening. It was, as I told my friend Emily later that evening, the best, longest, sweetest kiss. I had no idea that he would eventually become my husband.) And there I sat, on the floor, bathed in candlelight, writing myself a letter. It was a time in my life when I was healing, changing, growing; I had been through a long, difficult period, and I was coming through to the other side. Oh, how alive I felt! Certain songs, like Oasis' "Don't Go Away", transport me right back to that tiny living room, and the swell of feelings flowing through me.

That letter was a letter of promise and acknowledgment. Seeing how far I'd come, and claiming how far I would go. I was, in retrospect, coming into my own and seeing my own loveliness. Whereas, before, I seemed to see mostly what needed fixing.

Much has changed since then; While I am still young, relatively speaking, that sense of freedom and invincability has been replaced with a sense of groundedness and responsibility. I feel both great love and a pang of sadness as I reflect back to that 23 year old woman-in-coming; I am wishing in this moment that I could reach back in time and know her again. To remember what it feels like to be have all of the major life choices still ahead of me. Who will I be? What will I do? Who will I marry? Who will be my child(ren)? What will I name them? That time of becoming, of not knowing, was exhilarating.

And, here I am now, ending the most transitionary, extraordinary (and yet ordinary) year of my life and beginning a new one. I have given birth; I have become a mother; I have nourished my daughter from my bosom.

There is a pull between opening up to what is now, with all of its blessings, and longing for the freedom and risk-taking that marked my youth. I know this pull as the trademark of the great transitions of my life. It is walking through the murky waters, at times not knowing just who I am in the moment, as I approach the next becoming.

I hung up the phone this morning with my dear friend, Kate, from Malaysia. We shared our thoughts, our feelings, our wonderings on this topic. She left me with a reminder of what true wisdom is... it is knowing what questions to ask; The questions that will take us from where we are to where we need to go.

And so, today, when I sit down to reflect on last year and set my intentions and theme for next year, I will be asking myself this question...

What am I longing for?

And so, I am off to the local coffee shop, and then onto my massage appointment. Yes!