A Spoonful of Truth

Ok, it's time to get honest with myself here. A year and a half ago, five coaches, including myself, created the "creative coaches alliance" where we meet monthly by phone to discuss hot coaching topics. We met for only the second time in-person on Friday, and only three of us were present. We chit-chatted for a little while, and then my colleague posed the question, "what's next for our group?" That is when my other colleague shared that it was time for her to bow out. Perhaps it was a natural ending for the group anyways. After all, some of us don't show up when we say we will, or cancel last minute, or seem to have too much going on and don't make our gatherings important. She had been scheduling her work around these meetings.
I agreed, and yet I also felt disappointment. My disappointment was with myself. For nearly two years, I have had this group of creative, bright, talented, and interesting women at my ear, if you will. And, yet, I have failed to "show up". I don't mean in the physical sense, though I did miss a few meetings after Amelia's birth. I mean to fully show up and consciously choose and design how to use this resource. I drove home from our meeting with one question on my mind "how else am I not showing up fully?"
Take this blog. I created it one afternoon during Amelia's nap. I put my intention out there that other women will respond, share, connect here, and its been sparse to say the least. Why is that? I'm not sure that I even sent this link to anyone.
Continuing on, my college roommates and I used to joke that we could never throw a party. We would plan for 50 and end up with 15. I remember worrying that my wedding reception room only held 80, and yet we ended up only needing 50 seats. Ok, so it was in Ireland. But still...
What is at the root of this divide between what could be and what is? Commitment. If commitment feels like one of those 'hard, must-do, feels like an obligation' kind-of words, I challenge you to see it otherwise. Commitment is about being in integrity with ourselves. I am speaking about the kind of commitment that stops me from eating the half pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food Lite because I choose to feel great in my body (and not heavy from all of that corn syrup additive junk, even though it tastes good going down), and to save my money for more fulfilling indulgences (like a few days in Germany with my best girlfriends). The kind of commitment that, when it comes to my coaching group, means that I take the time to ask myself, "how can this group serve me? How can I serve this group?", rather than "can they hear me silently chomping on carrots while I chase Amelia around as I balance the phone in the crook of my neck?"
When there is a lack of commitment, I feel caught in the divide. There are often two opposing feelings (i.e. I want to create this blog and I am not sure how much I want to be seen), which creates an inertia. When I connect to the higher purpose, I am much more able to make the commitment and to begin to take steps towards truly manifesting my vision.
Now, in honor of my commitment to create "down time" in my evenings, I sign off! Cheers!